Sex Talk and Communication
Sex talk is not always easy. But here are some tips for to help you communicate what you do and don’t want from sex.
If you’ve seen this piece from me about handshakes (serious) then you’ll have an idea that for sex to feel good and for it to be consensual we need some communication. This piece gives ideas for people who might not be able to negotiate absolutely everything but want to have enough communication for sex to go well. It’s about lots of little communications about sex – I call them micro-communications, which sounds w*nky.
These don’t all work for everyone, but they’re just some ideas that may help you.
We can sometimes tell from looking into someone’s eyes whether they are into something – especially if it’s accompanied by a nod of the head, or a smile, or an ‘oh yeah.’ Sometimes eye contact means that we are serious about something happening but also wanting to stop something happening. Also people’s sex faces are different and can be confusing – if you’re confused, check with them.
In porn they make a lot of noise when they have sex – it’s meant to sound like they’re enjoying it. In real life sometimes people make lots of noise when they’re enjoying sex and sometimes not. Sometimes you just hear people breathing heavily like a mild asthma attack – though, of course, this could be an asthma attack. Pay attention to the noises you and they are making. Remember some noises might be a sign that someone isn’t enjoying it.
Some people are quite comfortable talking about what they want and don’t want from sex. However it’s more difficult for other people. Once things get going you can use short phrases to say what you want. You can also encourage your partner to do what feels good. Short phrases are easier to say. You can also whisper in someone’s ear which may also be easier.
You’re allowed to use your hands if you want- sex isn’t football. You can move someone’s hand if they’re touching you in a place or in a way you aren’t keen on. Or you can put their hand on your hand and guide them to where you like to be touched and how.
If people’s bodies move towards each other or copy or mirror what each other is doing then this is a sign they are enjoying what each other are doing. If someone moves away, becomes very passive or leaves the room it’s a sign someone isn’t happy. Remember that good consensual sex is a shared experience, not just someone doing something to another person (unless you’ve both explicitly consented to this).
Sending sexy texts is a great way of communicating what you like or don’t like. Just remember not to send images if you under 18 as this is against the law. Sexts are easier because you can spend some time getting the wording right. It’s a good way of asking for something specific or for pointing out what you really aren’t into. If you do this in combination with talking about what sex you want then this can be really effective. You can even tell each other sexy stories – which also counts as sex, even if you aren’t together.
When to stop
There are times when you need to stop everything and actually talk.
- If they are looking unhappy or not engaging
- If you are wanting to do something different to what you’ve already done
- If sex is getting uncomfortable or painful for you or you think it might be for them
- Remember someone should only have to say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or ‘wait’ once, if so please stop.
© Justin Hancock 2015