Ask Bish – Fingering Problems

Advice to someone worried that they can’t cum but also that they bleed when they do fingering. 

My first problem is that I can’t cum. I’m 17 this year and I just simply can’t. My ex had fingered me, and performed oral on me (Im still a virgin), but on all those occasions, I never came. He was always very patient, and he would finger me for half an hour, but I couldn’t cum. My legs did feel wobbly at the end of it but I never came and he would just stop. The odd thing is that when he stops, I don’t feel a need for him to continue, it’s like im turned off by then. I do try to masturbate at home but I could never cum either.

And that brings me to my second problem, I’ve realised I’ve been bleeding during masturbation. Whenever my ex fingered me, I never bled. He last fingered me a year ago. More recently, I’ve begun to masturbate, but in every occasion, I stop halfway to pull out my fingers to find in covered in blood. The first time it happened, it bled for a few days and was painful, then it turned brown after 3 days and then stopped. The second time it happened, I used a marker, I did wash it with soap, but it came out covered in blood, but I didn’t feel any pain. I read on a another question it may be the fact that I’m not wet enough/I hit my cervix. Also, I’ve realised that I do feel turned on, but I’m never actually wet.

Please help me!

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Hey

Hey thanks for your questions. I’m going to answer your last one first and then your first one last.

Stop putting things inside you for a bit

I really think you should stop putting your fingers (or anything) inside you for a bit. I think that you are hurting yourself without realising. If you did this once and it was during your period (if you get periods) then it might have been that – but this keeps happening.

It could be that you have slightly cut yourself inside your vagina and you aren’t giving it the chance to heal up properly. Sharp nails (or marker pens) can cause little cuts that you might not be aware of and they may not even hurt. So first of all please just don’t put anything in your vagina for a couple of weeks and allow it to heal up.

If it’s not healing up or you’re noticing other kinds of bleeding that isn’t your period; feel unwell; or notice any unusual discharge then it’s time to go to see a doc/nurse about this.

If you’re in the UK you can get free and confidential sexual health services – find out more about this here. They’ll be able to help you in person, which is usually better than someone on the internet giving you advice. If you can tell someone that you trust will be supportive and cool about this that might be a good thing to do – but if you can’t you can go to see someone by yourself.

How to put things inside you safely

I think you should give yourself some time away from putting things inside you, but this is how to do it without hurting yourself. The skin and mucous tissue at the opening and inside the vagina is pretty delicate and needs to be treated with care. The fact that your ex fingered you and you didn’t bleed makes me think that maybe you’re doing it in a different way to him. Are you doing it harder? Do you have long or sharp finger nails? You mentioned that your ex gave you oral sex as well as masturbated you, did he make your vagina wet with his saliva before fingering you?

When you’re new to masturbation it’s usually a good idea to start off slowly slowly gently gently. Slowly inserting a small finger into the vagina is a good way to go. If you’re putting anything inside your vagina it needs to be smooth and soft ish (that’s why sex toys are smooth and softish). So this means not using a marker pen and making sure that your fingernails are smooth and clean. It’s a good idea for it to be wet first with either saliva or lubricant as this can help to aid the lubrication in the vagina.

But but but maybe you don’t need to put anything in your vagina, either right now or ever.

Different ways of touching yourself

There are different ways of touching your body that you may find enjoyable. This kind of links in with the first bit of your question. You’re touching yourself to the extent that you have been in pain and are bleeding – are you enjoying that? There’s a lot of pressure on us to do sex in ‘the proper way’ rather than in the way we might enjoy. A lot of people think that the only kind of proper sex involves something going in the vagina – this is not true.

So if you can ignore the idea of what you should be doing (not easy) can you find different ways of touching yourself that might feel more enjoyable? It might be that different parts of your genitals might feel good, particularly the clitoris, or the lips around your vagina (more on that here). Or you might like to touch your thighs, or chest, or neck, or you might not want to touch yourself at all but just try to have some sexy thoughts.

Whether you are enjoying sex is kind of up to you to figure out really. When people do enjoy sexy time their bodies change in lots of different ways: their vaginas might get wet; their clitoris or penis might get hard; the genital area might start to throb a lot; their breathing might change; they might get tingly feelings in their toes, feet, hands, fingers, neck; their nipples might get hard. What happens in your body?

How pleasure feels

You say you haven’t cum, I wonder what you mean by that? If you mean cum as in squirt (or ejaculate), you should know that not everyone can do that. If you mean orgasm, then you should know that not everyone experiences those either. However also orgasms feel different for everyone and often they feel different at different times too. Sometimes people feel out of breath, tingly, throbbing. Sometimes people feel light headed and high. Sometimes people feel relaxed and totally in their own body. Sometimes people just really nice. Sometimes people feel a bit ‘meh’.

Just like I was saying above, we’re told what it is we should feel when we are having sex (by ourselves or with another person), but the challenge for you is really working out what pleasure and enjoyment feels like to you.

Be patient

It’s really important to be patient with yourself about this. Everybody’s body is different. Every. Body. Also how everybody feels about their body and sex is different. So give yourself a bit of time and space to explore what it is you like. This means slowing down and really trying to pay attention to your body, listen to when it’s telling you to carry on and listen when it’s telling you to stop (which it is at the moment).


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