Ask Bish – How should I have sex if I’m a lesbian?

There are no magic tricks for how to have sex, no matter what your sexuality, as everyone is different every time they have sex …

Hey,I’m 16 and I classify my self as a lesbian and I have made the choice to get sexual active with my girlfriend and wanted to know some good sex positions and tricks that her and I can do when having sex,please respond,thank you.

Hi

Thanks for your question.

In my humble opinion, there are no magic tricks that will always work between anyone that has sex – no matter what their gender is. This is because everyone has different bodies that respond in different ways. Also our bodies (and how we respond to them) changes all the time. What might feel good one day, might not feel good another. Tricky things, bodies.

Even if I did think there were magic tricks that always worked (I don’t) I wouldn’t tell people about it because it would lead to people prodding and poking and rubbing their sex partners in ways that they hadn’t agreed to. Sex partners aren’t machines – they have their own desires and rights over their own bodies. So I’m not going to tell you to do something to her (consent innit), but I am going to give you advice about what you both might want to think about for having sex with each other.

Think about different kinds of sex you might like

What are you into? Sex isn’t about one particular ‘act’ that ‘counts’ (for instance, entering a vagina) but choosing from lots of different things you might like to do. People who get hung up on the idea that ‘lesbians do this/bis do this/straights do this’ often find that they aren’t happy with their sex lives (because they are always comparing themselves with a mythical ‘norm’ that doesn’t exist).

Have you seen my piece called OMG YES, Not for me, Hmmmm?

You called also try Scarleteen’s Yes, No, Maybe list or even just use your imagination and spend a bit of time about what you might like to do. You could write down a huge list, or do drawings, or even write a little story about what sex with your girlfriend might be like. Not everyone is into the same thing. Eg some people like their feet being touched, others hate it.

Once you have a clearer idea about what kind of sex interests you, you then need to think about how you can let your GF know about this (and how you might make it easier for her to communicate with you).

Then think about how to communicate this

Communication is key when it comes to sex. It helps you to make sure that any sex you have is consensual but also really good. Sadly there aren’t any magic tricks on how to communicate what you want to each other either (really sorry about this) because *top answer klaxon* everyone is different.

Some people don’t really like talking about sex and what they want. Some people like talking about it a lot. Some people are a bit in between (and it might depend on how talkative their partner is). You might not know how much of a talker your girlfriend is until you talk about it! I know! The good news is that we communicate in lots of different ways and they can all help you to work out what you both want.

I’ve got loads and loads more advice on how to sex talk.

 

For first time sex with someone, instead of worrying whether you are doing it right or thinking about how you’re going to pull off your amazing magic trick it’s better to be ‘present’ or to be in the here and now. Focus on how something feels, the noises you’re both making, your eye contact, how your bodies react to each other – slow everything right down. Slooooooow. Then it’s easier to be on the same wavelength and to take it from there. This makes it easier to be able to ask for things as well as to be able to say no.

What’s the best sex position

At the risk of boring you, there are no magic sex positions (again: soz). I wrote a thing called ‘What’s the best sex position (for me)?’ but it totally depends on your bodies, your mobility, how much energy you have, how comfy your bed/sofa/floor is and what sex you both want to have. However, I reckon for sex with someone new or for the first time you might want to think about positions where your heads are close together – just because it might make it easier to communicate (if you can both hear well).

You might also want to have a read of my guide on How to have sex which applies to lesbian/bi/straight/gay/queer/trans* folk who want to have sex.

Finally a magic trick

Remember that there isn’t a ‘right’ way to have sex. So long as you’re both having sex that you actually want and feels good (and is safe enough and legal) it’s okay. No matter how you identify yourself.

Sorry there are no sex magic tricks. But here’s a regular magic trick I found that might really impress your girlfriend.

You might also like this brilliant YouTube Channel about lesbians by lesbians

© Justin Hancock, 2015