Ask Bish – “Is it wrong to get sexually aroused very often?”

Latest #AskBish is about sexual urges, whether they are ‘normal’ and do women have them?

I am 15;a boy; I have a couple of questions to ask. Is it wrong to get sexually aroused very often? Like, i get aroused and have strong urges whenever i see an attractive woman, even a teacher! I feel so guilty coz i think it’s disrespectful. I don’t stare; i try hard to look away, but after looking away, i can be obsessed about it for some time and, i can’t say in words, but that urge is so strong; i sometimes clench my teeth coz of it. how do i deal with this? i know it’s natural and isn’t inherently wrong, but i am not sure how to respond when i get these sexual urges? also, i find it difficult to concentrate on what some women/girls are saying if they are pretty; how do i, how do you, overcome that?

Thanks for your question! It’s long, so I cut it down slightly and split it into 3 parts.

It’s not wrong to get sexually aroused very often. You might find it annoying, uncomfortable, inconvenient, distracting or embarrassing but it isn’t wrong. Some people get more sexually aroused more often than others, you’re just somewhere on a spectrum between ‘super horny all the time’ and ‘not really very horny at all.’ This changes (even from day to day), and you might learn how to manage it a bit more. But how?

Remember that urges come but they also go. It can be pretty difficult to remember that in the heat of the moment because you might be feeling a lot of difficult/embarrassing feelings. You’re trying so so hard not to be turned on this is the only thing you can think about. The more you fight it the worse it will get. Instead just say to yourself ‘oh, I’m turned on. That’s fine, it will go away in a minute.’ You could perhaps write this in code on a piece of card, which you can pull out of your pocket to remind you.

Do some breathing exercises (focus on breathing out for longer than you breathe in, you might find that helps to calm you down a bit) and just allow your turned on feelings to drift away. This will help you to notice more what other people are saying (which will also help to distract you from your arousal).

i do masturbate, which brings me to my second question. i used to watch porn; felt guilty and disturbed about it and was worried how it was warping my feelings, so i stopped.but i still masturbate; feel a little guilty about it but i can’t stop that; too hard. but i’ve noticed that for some years, like in the last two years, i think about sex too much. i can keep thinking about it in lessons (note: tbh, it doesn’t affect my school performance), but what i’ve noticed, when i get home and change clothes, tiny white patches are evident on my underwear. probs not semen, but pre-ejaculatory fluid. i am worried. is this normal, or am i a hypersexual person? an abnormally hyped one?

As I said above, it’s not wrong to be sexually aroused. What you are describing here is also not unusual for people your age. You’re probably right about the white patches in your underwear – it’s totally normal for that to happen. It’s also very common for people to masturbate. You don’t have to masturbate if you don’t want to, but it might help you to manage the sexual urges you get when you’re in public. If you are in private, not hurting anyone, getting up for school, doing your chores and not damaging yourself then it’s fine to masturbate.

However, it sounds like you’re not happy about it. Perhaps think about why that is? Is it because of something that you’ve seen in porn (remember most professionally made porn is made by people who know what it is they are going to do and are happy to do it)? Or is it to do with what you’ve been taught about sex and relationships? What do your parents/guardians say about it? Can you talk to someone that you trust that you know will listen?

 

one final thing that’s been on my mind and can’t seem to get rid of: um…basically…i fantasise a lot about what i might do after getting married. so, i know this is a stupid question, but, how do you approach your wife for the consummation on the first night, or whenever you think it’s right, after getting married? do women have sexual urges like men? this is just one of those thoughts i can’t get out of my mind; i know, it’s awkward, but yeah…

In case I haven’t been clear (stop me if I’m boring you) but it’s fine to fantasise about stuff – most people do. You can write your own story about what might happen when you have wedding night sex. But to answer your question about sexual urges – yeah, of course women can have the same sexual urges as men – but everyone has different urges. Some men and women get lots of sexual urges, some men and women don’t and some men and women have some. This is all true for people who don’t identify as men or women too.

My point is, that whether we feel sexual urges isn’t really to do with gender. However gender might have an effect on whether we express our sexual urges. Questions:

  • what words are used to describe men who have sex?
  • what words are used to describe women who have sex?
  • can you see how men get status for having sex and women get stigma?
  • how might that have an effect on whether people express their sexual urges?

So whilst you’re waiting to get married, think about what you can do to make women feel okay about expressing their sexual urges.

i can be obsessed about it for some time and, i can’t say in words, but that urge is so strong; i sometimes clench my teeth coz of it…. i think about sex too much. i can keep thinking about it in lessons …. this is just one of those thoughts i can’t get out of my mind.

Look at these quotes from your question: do you notice anything? Do you find yourself thinking about stuff a lot? Are you able to relax or do things bother you quite a bit? If you do worry quite a lot and can’t let go, you might want to read up a bit more about anxiety. Have a look at this from Young Minds, who are a brilliant charity. If when you read that you find yourself nodding and going, ‘oh yeah’ then it might be something that you can talk to a parent/carer/doctor/teacher about. We know quite a lot about how to deal with anxiety now, so it might be really useful for you to talk to someone (if you think that this is a term that applies to you).

Hope that helps!

Justin

BISH

More BISH that you might find helpful

Sexual Urges – a bit more about arousal and desire (it’s kinda complicated)

Do I Masturbate Too Much – another Ask Bish

Self Esteem – it might help you to think about whether you are beating yourself up a bit too much I reckon

‘Addiction’ – I wrote this for people who are worried they are addicted to porn and sex


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