Ask Bish – Pressured into oral?

Advice about how to deal with being forced and pressured into oral sex. Warning: talks about sexual assault.

Hi,

I am a sixteen year old in a homosexual relationship with another boy. The other day, after a making out session, we decided it would be a good idea for me to go down on him. So, I did, but I never ended up “finishing the job”. I was staying at his house the night, and so later that night, he kept asking me to do it again and finish. Note: I had told him previously that that was all he was getting. So, he kept asking me and kept asking me until I eventually gave in. So I did it, and he sorta forced me a few times during, nothing major. But ever since, I feel as if he thinks I’m some sort of slag?

Was I wrong? Am I easy?

Thanks,

Concerned

Hi

He’s done bad, not you

I know that your question is about whether you’ve done something wrong but the only person who’s done something wrong here is the other boy. My reading of your email is that he pestered you into doing something you didn’t want to do, you gave in and he forced you. I’m not really hearing that you really consented to this and I’m not really getting that he cared whether you did or not. He has done a bad thing, not you. In fact what he did may have been rape or sexual assault – which can and does happen in relationships.

That is a big thing to hear and you’ve kind of dismissed it in your question, but you’ve also told me about it. This says to me that you know he’s done a bad thing. If you feel like you want to report this to the Police, or get some support without reporting to the Police, you absolutely can. What you want to do is entirely up to you but I just wanted to put this out there first.

Is this happening at other times?

Has this happened before with him? Has this happened to you before with someone else? If you’ve not had much experience of a caring relationship where your needs are respected it can be hard to imagine what being in a caring relationship would feel like.

Doing something which is more for the other person rather than for you is generous and kind – but this needs to be entirely your choice.

I also think you should be able to expect the same generosity in return. What do you think?

About the relationship

Is this kind of thing happening in other parts of the relationship? Does he respect your boundaries about what you want to do with your own time? Does he allow you to make your own decision about your body? Do you have your own relationships outside of this one?

Often it’s harder to say what we want and need from sex and relationship if there’s a power imbalance.

Is he older than you? Are there risks to you if other people found out about you and him? Are you staying at his place because you don’t have your own secure place to sleep? Are you financially dependent?

Sex and relationships aren’t a battle where things are given up and taken, or where people are easy or hard. Whatever kind of relationship (FWB, casual hook ups, big time love, marriage) you need to be able to care for each other and to have the room to care for yourself too. Have a think about whether this is a relationship that is working for you. You might want to have a look at the relationships graph I’ve got here. There’s also more about unhealthy relationships here.

What to do

Having read this response you might now see this a bit differently. It might be that this was a one off incident rather than something that happens a lot. In which case can you think of ways that you can say to him that he crossed the line and that in the future you don’t want that to happen? He needs to take no for an answer and you only have to give a ‘no’ once – more on this here.

I’ve given you advice about reporting it if that’s what you want to do. However if you are wanting out of the relationship you might need to think about how to say it. If you feel like ending this relationship is going to put you in a vulnerable situation you might want to read this from Scarleteen.

Lastly about you

In your message I’m sensing that you’re not really being very kind to yourself. Turning all the blame onto yourself is often something that happens in an abusive relationship but perhaps you’re not used to being kind and gentle with yourself.

If this self blame thing is happening a lot to you can you think about ways to give yourself a bit of a break. It’s hard not to listen to the negative stories in our heads about ourselves but what would it be like if you could listen to the more caring and nurturing stories?

Notice the words I used to describe your situation and how different they are to the words you were using. If you were being kind to yourself how could you rewrite what happened? Would you use the words ‘slag’ or ‘easy?’ Who would be responsible? Who would be behaving badly?

Perhaps you can also take some time out and think about what kind of love you can give yourself (no, for once I’m not talking about wanking. Okay, well maybe that too). Have a self-care list and do some things that you know help you feel better (eg exercise, eating, watching a film, wanking). Try to hang out with people who you know care about you and your needs. Feel what it’s like being with people who respect your boundaries and space.

Hope this helps and there are some more links below too.

Justin

 

© Justin Hancock, 2015


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