Ask Bish – Should I Tell Her I Love Her?

Love’s seen as this big heavy do or die type thing. Think harder about your feelings and think of what you would like to change.

Basically, I like this girl a lot. We have been friends for along time and I got to know her a lot more since we older and I just fell in love with her. It’s crazy, I don’t know how to approach her with this? But it seems like she dropping hints. She always looks into my eyes when we talking, we sit in the car talking till stupid clock in the morning. We text everyday & all day. Do I tell her? Do I leave it I don’t know help me out bish.

Eyup!

Thanks for your great question. I think you probably will guess that I’m going tell you to say something to her about your feelings (I am) but what, why and how and what will it mean?

What you have now is pretty good: enjoy it!

This sounds like a really exciting and lovely friendship at the moment. I imagine it’s quite hard not to think about how the relationship may change (one way or the other) but when you do that it can take you away from what is currently happening. So remember to enjoy what you do have (as well as thinking about what you might have). If you focus on the present and think about what it is you want right now it might help you to be a bit less ‘all or nothing’ about things.

Avoid Being All Or Nothing

Romantic love is often seen as this heavy, do or die thing. (Check out this pathetic medieval Knight) Are we ‘lovers or are we friends’ – it’s one or the other. This relationship might not be one thing or another, which means that it might feel a bit messy – but a bit of mess is ok and embracing the mess is probably a good thing to do (you probably should tidy your room though).

This relationship is already really valuable and loving (sounds like she feels the same), so don’t dismiss that as being something secondary to a romantic love thing. They’re different but also similar. Love is love so think about what you get from this relationship now and how it nurtures you and makes you feel. It’s not luck that you have such a lovely relationship: think of all the hours you’ve spent together, all the texts, all your shared moments. Maybe if you have a long hard think about this, you might conclude that you might like things as they are. Or perhaps you could at least see the benefits of things staying as they are (if they don’t go the way you want).

Don’t Propose

Next, think about what you want to say. I’m not sure a declaration of undying love is the way to go. It sounds romantic but actually it might be a bit off putting and also maybe not something that will help you? It’s a bit all or nothing. Remember that you probably both love each other in a way (even if you aren’t saying it) so it might help you to think about what specifically you want to change. Think of it in terms of changing a really great relationship rather than ditching one and starting a new one. I’m not suggesting you hold back, but more that you try baby steps and not over think what it might mean. Do you want to snog? Hold hands? Be sexual in any way? Go on dates?

But Say/Do Something!

Once you’ve thought about what you want you could try saying what you would like. “I kinda fancy you.” “I wanted to snog you in the car the other night.” “I’d like it if we could maybe do a date type thing…” Tell her in a way that you feel you can but make sure that she knows you mean it. Tell her at a time when you have a bit of space together.

Texts might be a good way to go (though you’ll have the agony of waiting for a response on WhatsApp – “wah, it says she’s online but she’s not responded!”) because it’s easy to word things exactly as you want them to come out. It also gives her the opportunity to think about what to say and to give a thoughtful response.

You could tell her what you’re thinking without really telling her “I had a dream last night that we snogged – it was ace.” Or, “my mates think we’d be really good together, what do you think?” Or “this sex educator dude on the internet says I should ask you out.”

You could also try and tell her through the medium of kissing if this is what you’re into (and think she may want the same). Next time you’re looking into each other’s eyes, hold it for a second, keep breathing, notice your heart pounding, move your head a little bit towards hers, if she moves closer, move a bit closer, if she moves closer again, pout your lips and plant a kiss on her lips. Please don’t just snog her quickly without her realising what’s about to happen (consent, innit) and make sure that she feels that she can back out at any second.

What Next?

If she feels a similar way to you then you get to start having a romantic relationship together. Awesome! (If you get married, I expect an invite yeah? I’ll have the salmon). She may not feel the same way straight away and you both may have a few days, weeks, months where you try and work out what the right thing to do is. If so, be patient, breathe and make space for these unsettling insecure feelings (feelings come and feelings go, we don’t have to act on them).

If she doesn’t feel the same way then you can still have an awesome close relationship. Things don’t have to change and you can write your own rules about how much time you spend together and how close you are (even if you’re not ‘romantic partners’). Even if you don’t feel exactly the same way about each other think about everything in your relationship that is good and where you do feel the same way.

Forget all this nonsense about telling someone you fancy them ‘ruining the friendship’. Your relationship hasn’t come out of nowhere – it’s something you’ve both made happen. No matter what happens next you can make a friendship or a romantic relationship work if you really want it to. It takes some work, some time, some communication, some trust, some kindness and some courage.

So be bold and say something, but don’t go over the top yeah?

Hope that helps!

Justin (Bish)

 

 


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