Ask Bish Should I trust her?
A question about trust in relationship but an answer about classism and prejudice.
Hi! I am male and 17 years old. The girl I fell in love with is 16. She’s very nice and I also know her elder sister (now 22) and her parents (very kind people). I have never had sex experience before. She had a couple of boyfriends before. We considered having safer sex with each other using birth control pill and condom. Nevertheless my Mom has some objections. She says my girlfriend could become pregnant on purpose without me knowing or wanting this. You should know my parents are grammar school teachers whereas my girlfriend and her parents are on welfare (I know this sounds like and maybe is prejudice). Her elder sister got pregnant at the age of 17. I mean I can’t take a birth control pill for men? Should I avoid sex with people I do not trust 99%? If you find time for an answer tell me your opinion, please. Thanks!
Ok I think there are three things that come out in your question. Firstly some stuff about you and your relationship and some prejudices (where I’ll be giving you a *stern face*, don’t worry it won’t last that long). Second, some stuff about your mum and parents generally. Third how you can have sex without making babies.
Ok first up (*stern face*). You love this girl, you know and like her very kind family yet you are judging her for her background, her family income and (what we would call in the UK) her class background. I know that maybe this is more to do with your mum’s prejudices rather than yours (more on this in a minute) but you are making big generalisations that I think are rather unfair. What would your girlfriend think if she knew this stuff? That you don’t trust her 100% because she and her parents are on welfare. Or that because her sister got pregnant at 17 that this is something that she will do too? You’ve got to an age where you can actually start to work this stuff out for yourself. I think you could really do with exploring these attitudes a little, mmkay? . (*stern face* over)
Second. Your mum has some anxieties over you beginning a sexual relationship with this girl/woman. Fair enough, parents are entitled to worry, it’s one of the things that they do best. However she is also being unfair if she is saying that because your girlfriend comes from a lower socio-economic group then she is more likely to ‘trap you’ into being a dad. Does she know how you feel about her? Does she know her or her family at all? Has she got any actual evidence that she is going to get pregnant without your knowledge? Has your mum got any genuine concerns about the relationship that are based on fact rather than prejudice? Speak with mum. Tell her how you feel about her.
It could be that your mum’s worry is not to do with your girlfriend, but just that you are in a serious sexual relationship. Getting into a sexual relationship with someone is perhaps an event in your life which to your mum means that you are growing up. Sometimes parents find it hard to accept that their kids are independent, able to make their own decisions, able to feel love and to experience heartbreak: essentially that you are turning into an adult and experiencing all the things that adults (like your mum) have and do experience. It can be a pretty difficult time. Perhaps your mum doesn’t really truly believe these prejudices about your girlfriend’s background but is really just wanting to to hang on to an idea of you being her child? What do you think about that?
Third, some contraception basics. You’ll already know that in terms of preventing pregnancy, if you use condoms and another birth control method (contraceptive method) then you are pretty safe. I can’t say that there is absolutely no chance of pregnancy, but I can say that it is a very very very very very very very very very very very very low chance of pregnancy. If you want to add a few more verys there you could also consider not having penis in vagina sex, or having non-penetrative sex or not ejaculating inside your girlfriend when using condoms. There are always risks to sex, you just have to make sure that the risks are worth it by doing it with someone you really fancy/like/love and trying to make it as nice/lovely/amazing/ as possible.